self or self-less? uhm, yeah...'bout that.

in my pursuit of acquiring self-less love - i know, insane ambition, but none the less - i'm pursuing it. and i have thus come to the conclusion that genuine self-less love is... IMPOSSIBLE! well, at least on my own strength. it was about a year ago that God pointed out some serious flaws i had been making in my walk with Him and helped me to see that i was not being kind or loving in my speech, my actions, or my thoughts towards those that i was closest to. so after my confession, repentance, and resolute in my heart to do better for God's glory as a testament of His love, i started pursuing "self-less love."
i know you are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13 (the "love" passage). i decided to do a check on my heart and see how i was doing in the area of love. so i put my name in the place of love and read it through:
Janalee is patient...Janalee is kind...Janalee does not envy...i could go no more b/c i knew my words were lies. had my pursuit for self-less love over the last year been in vain? in all of my hopes of obtaining self-less love i realized that i was trying to acheive it on my own strength (which is pretty pathetic). in my hopes and pursuit of genuine love i had failed to draw from the source of ultimate love - Jesus Christ. He is the only one that will sustain me throughout the day and give me strength for tomorrow. He is the only one that can soften my heart and change my thoughts, my speech, and my actions to be more like Himself.

am i not to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added onto me? ...perhaps in my pursuit of something noble, i was missing my pursuit of the Greatest..
God is the only one that can teach me authentic love. i should not be pursuing self-less love for my own glory or selfish reasons but ultimately for God and to please the One that i love. maybe in His kindness, the Lord will establish in my heart a self-less love that thinks more about the cares and concerns of people around me than myself...a self-less love that seeks God's glory and His kingdom advancement...a self-less love that would be willing to die for the faith God has placed in me.

as i was praying this morning, here is what the Lord can RIP out of my heart today:
- the desire to be a successful and established business woman
- my pursuits to have the "perfect" body
- the desire to be loved by human means
- my selfish ambitions for personal gain
- my lack of zeal to serve my family
- my fear of this world, my fear of rejection, my fear of failure

And i'm asking the Lord in His kindness that He will FILL my heart instead with:
- the desire to be a strong woman of faith firmly established in truth
- confidence knowing that the Lord delights in me as He looks at my heart, not the outward appearance
- knowing that i am love by God SO MUCH!
- humility and seeking kingdom advancement for God's glory and God's gain
- zeal to serve both the body of Christ and my family
- fear of God ONLY