Surrender
Dear God, sometimes i find surrender is more the opposite of what i imagined it to be. the more selfish possessions/ambitions/wants You rip out of my heart the harder and more painful it becomes to see them go. i thought it would be easier to surrender to Your will as i got older, because i would see Your hand at work in my life in an area that You took - i would realize how "it" was now so much better in Your hands than it ever was in mine and the fruit that now blossomed from a branch that was dead - i would understand more of the freedom of loss of control and the sweet peace of trusting in my Lord. now don't get me wrong - i have! i have seen this in my life over and over again. but the longer i hold onto a desire, the harder it becomes for You to take this desire from me, the more i fight to keep it in my soul, and the more painful when You, at times, break my hand to release the grip that holds tight to this desire of my heart and flesh.
You've asked for a lot in my life...and sooner or latter i've given them to you. and just when i think you must be satisfied because you have what seems to be everything from me, you ask for something else. i can't help but think that you won't stop asking me for more of my life until you have it all.
i've seen the fruit of surrender - like when i gave you my desire to be a full-time missionary out of the country and you gave me instead a passion to be a full-time student missionary to my campus - how i have met more people from a different country than i would have ever been able to leaving the country. my life is just time, and energy...yes, painful, difficult to give up, and sleepless at times, but it's just time and energy - things that You gave up when You came to this earth. surely i can try harder to be more like You, ministering wherever i am.
...and when i gave up my desire to be a successful business woman, and how you've established in my heart to serve rather than be noticed in my career - how much joy you have given me in my job! how i now love to see others, rather than myself, be promoted and successful in what they do. it doesn't matter if my name is known at my work place - it's just a name...yes, the only one i know in the world, but JUST A NAME - nothing compared to Your Name, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, that i would rather have known in my work place.
...and when i gave up my neatly made bed to You and let the kids crawl all over it, abuse it, and mess it up - oh how i've enjoyed/laughed with/and loved them even more now when i watch them play. Come on, it's just a bed...yes one of the few things in my house that is purely mine, but still JUST A BED. surely i cannot not be that selfish when there are so many around the world that don't have their own bed or even a bed at all.
...and when i gave up my clothes to You and let my little sisters have free reign on my closet - how our friendship, that was once shaky has now grown closer than i ever imagined. Come on, it's just some clothes...yes, clothes that i have bought with my money that i worked for, but still JUST SOME CLOTHES. surely i could not be so selfish when there are so many around the world that only have one pair.
...and when i gave up my money to You and started tithing regularly while working at a minimum wage job that i hated - how You gave me not just one, but THREE different jobs that i absolutely love and enjoy doing and how i now have the sweet satisfaction and joy of buying my friends gifts and coffee without hesitation and the ability to sponsor a kid in another country. Come on, it's just money...yes, money that i give my time and energy to earn, but still JUST MONEY. Don't You own the cattle on a thousand hills or something? surely i cannot be so selfish when there are millions around the world that live on less than a dollar a day and even some that would give anything just to have a job at all, no matter how small.
...but this? You would ask me for this, wouldn't You? oh, my Lord, i want to trust you, but there is that same unsettling feeling of uncertainty that tempts me to hold on longer, to grip tighter, and hide it more from You - keeping that thing that is so precious to my soul from becoming broken or changed in Your hand. God, i don't like how you demand total and full surrender of my life, but i give it to You anyway.
i give it to you anyways.
Because...i HAVE SEEN the work of Your hand in my life in the past. i have seen the fruit of life spring up from a surrendered will that i thought was dead. i have witnessed Your faithfulness in my life and provision of my every need. and i have tasted the sweetness of freedom and peace that comes with trusting in Your plan.
So once again, Lord, i fall to my knees. and surrender.
Acts 20:24: "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the good news about the wonderful grace of God."
You've asked for a lot in my life...and sooner or latter i've given them to you. and just when i think you must be satisfied because you have what seems to be everything from me, you ask for something else. i can't help but think that you won't stop asking me for more of my life until you have it all.
i've seen the fruit of surrender - like when i gave you my desire to be a full-time missionary out of the country and you gave me instead a passion to be a full-time student missionary to my campus - how i have met more people from a different country than i would have ever been able to leaving the country. my life is just time, and energy...yes, painful, difficult to give up, and sleepless at times, but it's just time and energy - things that You gave up when You came to this earth. surely i can try harder to be more like You, ministering wherever i am.
...and when i gave up my desire to be a successful business woman, and how you've established in my heart to serve rather than be noticed in my career - how much joy you have given me in my job! how i now love to see others, rather than myself, be promoted and successful in what they do. it doesn't matter if my name is known at my work place - it's just a name...yes, the only one i know in the world, but JUST A NAME - nothing compared to Your Name, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, that i would rather have known in my work place.
...and when i gave up my neatly made bed to You and let the kids crawl all over it, abuse it, and mess it up - oh how i've enjoyed/laughed with/and loved them even more now when i watch them play. Come on, it's just a bed...yes one of the few things in my house that is purely mine, but still JUST A BED. surely i cannot not be that selfish when there are so many around the world that don't have their own bed or even a bed at all.
...and when i gave up my clothes to You and let my little sisters have free reign on my closet - how our friendship, that was once shaky has now grown closer than i ever imagined. Come on, it's just some clothes...yes, clothes that i have bought with my money that i worked for, but still JUST SOME CLOTHES. surely i could not be so selfish when there are so many around the world that only have one pair.
...and when i gave up my money to You and started tithing regularly while working at a minimum wage job that i hated - how You gave me not just one, but THREE different jobs that i absolutely love and enjoy doing and how i now have the sweet satisfaction and joy of buying my friends gifts and coffee without hesitation and the ability to sponsor a kid in another country. Come on, it's just money...yes, money that i give my time and energy to earn, but still JUST MONEY. Don't You own the cattle on a thousand hills or something? surely i cannot be so selfish when there are millions around the world that live on less than a dollar a day and even some that would give anything just to have a job at all, no matter how small.
...but this? You would ask me for this, wouldn't You? oh, my Lord, i want to trust you, but there is that same unsettling feeling of uncertainty that tempts me to hold on longer, to grip tighter, and hide it more from You - keeping that thing that is so precious to my soul from becoming broken or changed in Your hand. God, i don't like how you demand total and full surrender of my life, but i give it to You anyway.
i give it to you anyways.
Because...i HAVE SEEN the work of Your hand in my life in the past. i have seen the fruit of life spring up from a surrendered will that i thought was dead. i have witnessed Your faithfulness in my life and provision of my every need. and i have tasted the sweetness of freedom and peace that comes with trusting in Your plan.
So once again, Lord, i fall to my knees. and surrender.
Acts 20:24: "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the good news about the wonderful grace of God."
tear
ReplyDeleteIt's like reading a beautiful, powerful song. Five verses with each a little more intensity until they reach the bridge "but this?" where all craziness breaks lose. Instruments are clashing and racing and struggling, then, suddenly, all is silent: "I give it to you anyways." A sweet, thrilling chorus washes in--"because"--and then fades to "surrender." Thank you for sharing this.
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