Lonely Road

One week before arriving at school, my father was diagnosed with leukemia. I can't even begin to describe how hard it has been coming to grips that my dad has cancer. Other people get cancer...other families cry and struggle and shave their heads, go on support walks, and raise awareness by wearing their t-shirts and ribbon pins. Not me...not my family! Yet...there I was...face-to-face with the reality that my father, 
my dear daddy, 
the man I love... 

has. 

cancer.

Death is not what I fear...it's facing the unknown, the uncertainties, and the unpredictable that frightens me. A flood gate of questions opened...How long does he have left on this earth? What does this mean for my dad physically? How is my mom going to get through this? Should I even go to school or stay home? Will insurance even cover this? STOP. Just trust. Trust in what? Pray. How can I pray with ten million questions going through my head? 

Focus on...TRUTH. 

I should pray...

Trust in the Lord.

I can do this.

...TEARS... 

I can't do this. God give me strength. 

After many tears, I left for school. It's been a struggle, trying to be present here when my mind is six hours away with my family. God's Word has become a beautiful distraction from the pain...an oasis, providing solace to my soul. I can honestly say, I have never read my Bible like I have the past three months. There is a burning desire to know the God I call King, to draw even closer to the One who comforts, to desperately cling to the hope found in Christ on the other side of eternity - away from this broken, hurting, and messy world.  

...

My friends, this journey has been lonely, but I have not been alone. By the grace of God and a thousand prayers, an absolutely overwhelming peace has enveloped my soul, a peace that doesn't make worldly sense, a peace that I cannot shake. I KNOW the Lord is sovereign. I TRUST the Lord to work everything together for good through this (..and btw: it's time to redefine "good" fellow Christians) 

I can THANK Him for cancer. I can THANK Him for trials. I can THANK Him for suffering, and tears, and sleep-less nights, and pain, and hurt because God is perfecting, confirming, strengthening, and establishing me and my family, yielding the peaceful fruit of righteousness, drawing us closer to Himself, and helping us understand His character in a new and wonderful light. I can SURRENDER to His will even if it's painful because my pain is so small in comparison to my Savior, who surrendered to the Father's will - a surrender that left scars on His body and blood in His mouth, yet a surrender that altered the eternity of mankind. I can TRUST that God's timing is PERFECT because I cannot even image attempting to get through this trial without the extended amount of time I've been privileged to spend in God's Word over the last 3 months.

What a blessing.

I think the Lord has something greater in store for us through this earthly struggle. I am reminded that this is not our home. Our earthly bodies are here today and gone tomorrow...what is life but a breath? And what is man, that God should be mindful of him? Yet, in God's beautiful and sovereign grace, in His glorious and wonderful loving-kindness, I find myself overwhelmed, by the depth, the height, the breadth of His mysterious love.

My dad is still fighting and healing...one day at a time. My family is still fighting and healing...one day at a time. And my God still gives me...one day at a time.

Because of God's grace, I can still say: "The Lord be magnified!" (Ps 40:16)