Urbana...let God speak.
This is really just a glimpse into my journey to the knowledge of God's calling for my life... Ever since i was little, i had a passionate desire to see all people come to the saving knowledge of Christ Jesus. i received an instilled knowledge of His love and intense desire to see all people groups love Christ as much as He loved them. For the longest time didn't understand why people would give up this fee gift? All they had to do was receive it. It was my desire that they would receive it. i wanted Christ to change me inside and out, then send me to any country in the world. i wanted to be His little messenger. i drew this fabulous picture of myself serving God, humbly giving up my comforts of home and battling through the jungles of Africa to reach the lost natives (missionaries are my biggest heroes). i wanted to be the one everyone looked up to and admired. I wanted to be the one everyone wished they could be... The picture i drew was just that - a picture. "my" picture with "my" desires and far out dreams. i started praying that Christ would send me on His mission that He had planned for me. i was so excited and seriously thought that i would be on the mission field right out of high school. i was so excited! i would be traveling to another country - sacrificially leaving my family and friends behind me. Yet my sacrificial spirit was artificial, temporary, and selfishly planted. i had no desire to give up my pleasures and delights in life that i held so dear to. i didn't want to give up the comforts of a protected life. The truth is, i was naive...naive and youthful. i thought i would be willing to give up ANYTHING for Christ, but i still had much growing to do and the Lord let me know it (gently and gradually He opened my eyes, but He let me see it). i started praying again. praying that God would send me somewhere else. i had lived in Manhattan my whole life and i was ready to do God's work. You know that song "please don't send me to Africa" ? well...most people might shrink down a little in guilt or something but i actually laughed! how could anyone refuse to go away on missions when God was calling then to that specific area? Inwardly i mocked those faithless ones who were unwilling to let God use them where He wanted them (unknowing that that was my heart).
As i was praying for direction and "God's calling" for my life, a small voice spoke to me saying "be still, i have something i want you to learn." My initial reaction was - that was not God's voice. God wants to do great things through me. i can't be still and still be great! no, i'm sorry...i'm listening for God's voice.
so...i ignored these simple words and started looking into mission agencies, inter-city work, youth camps, anything that was out of the ordinary - anything i pretended i could see myself serving the Lord. i became confused and frustrated that things weren't working for me. Door after door closed. The harder i pushed, the more it became clear that God's hand was not in my efforts. Those words came back "be still, i have something i want you to learn." At this point, i knew God was speaking to me and i became angry. Angry that He had someone who was sooo willing to go anywhere in the world for Him and He would waste this opportunity and tell that girl that He wanted her to minister in the town and city she had spent her entire life in. It seemed like such a waste. He could send me to the remotest parts of the world where NO ONE wanted to go - to people that had never heard of the gospel (I'LL GO!), yet now my calling was Manhattan, KS? To me missions was not across the street.
i finally accepted, very grudged, that this was the next chapter in my life. i wasn't very happy or willing that "my calling" was here, but i knew better than to argue with God. In the spring of 2006 i applied to Kansas State University. i had no money for school and half heartily prayed that God would provide the money "if that was really what He wanted me to do" (secretly hoping that it wasn't). i checked my savings account and realized i had NOwhere enough money. -oh, this is going to be good. haha. watch God come through on this one, i joked. Not only did i have to pay for tuition, but then there was books, housing, and numerous other college "experience" expenses. and i wasn't going into debt.
It could not have been more clear in my mind that God touched His finger in my life at that exact time and i saw Him provide and workout every detail. When financial aid came in it paid for all of my tuition up to where i only had to pay $300 a semester. For high school graduation i received exactly $600. i received a book scholarship that paid for all of my books for both semesters. i was able to house with my parents which of course came with a free meal-plan. i was amazed how perfectly God provided everything i needed, yet i was unable to fully grasp the whole of it because i was still kind of pouting in my corner. God was at work and He was slowly changing my heart. i dived into the Ichthus fellowship at the beginning of the semester, joined a lifegroup, and Bible study, and accountability group - totally and fully immersed myself in the Christian community. And i stood back and watched God at work. i was challenged and stretched by John's teaching and allowed myself to be broken by the fragility of our lives and the desperate need for God in our lives. i was uplifted and encouraged and started to build friendships within my lifegroup and Bible study. Through worship and prayer on Thurs evening, God started to change me, building in me a greater knowledge of His presence and love in my life. God opened up doors for real ministry opportunities with the people i met first semester. But still, i was stubborn. i felt like i was cruising on auto pilot. i grew up in the church my whole life, so i knew how to act. When i realized that Manhattan was exactly where God had placed me for this service to campus students, it was like my enthusiasm for outreach had died. My dreams were crushed and i was face to face with a supernatural reality. i didn't give up on God, i gave up on myself. If God couldn't use me anywhere else but Manhattan, i thought my ministry insignificant. i was fighting all of this when i heard about Urbana. My first thought was "oh wouldn't that just be like God to send me on this awesome missions conference, change my heart, and give me back the passion and desire for furthering the kingdom of God." i had seen God provide perfect financially early that semester, so there was no doubt in my mind that He would provide the money for Urbana. i signed up in blind faith. Then i got scared - scared because i knew God was about to reach me and touch me and change me in a way - i was going to experience God in a way i had never before. Perhaps more intimate than i had ever dared to hope. And it scared me. i was sharing this with my sister when she said she had been saving some money out for an occasion like this (where someone heard God's calling but was unable to go because of a financial burden). That evening God supplied the money for Urbana.
So i went. God totally tore down any fear in my spirit and i left with an anticipation and eagerness (like a child) with great excitement for the days ahead. i knew what lied ahead for me was going to be challenging, stretching, and would push me further and farther than i had even gone before. But i was ready for it. Urbana exceeded my expectations. It was most definitely challenging and stretching. i learned patience as twenty-two thousand of us tried to eat lunch in downtown St. Louis. i learned to love aunconditionally as i shared a room with four sorority girls for the week. i learned about fellowship as i met with 500 students for Biblestudy over Ephesians every morning. i learned about connection and unity with God's children as i bowed my head in prayer with brothers and sisters in Christ - lifting up our brothers and sisters in Christ from around the world. i learned the majesty of worship as every ethnic group came together under the dome and lifted up our praise and worship to our heavenly Father (not just in English, but in Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, French...you name it). i learned the beauty of worship in kneeling, lifting up our hands, clapping, dancing, flags,...it was a glimpse into heaven. And it was beautiful. The teaching was incredible. Though i hardly remember what any of the speakers spoke on, i remember clearly what God spoke to me during my time at Urbana.
I came back to campus in the spring with a fire and excitement for the lost hearts and souls on campus. The k-state campus became my mission field. Over the last three years, it has been a joy, a challenge, and a blessing to be a small part of what God is doing here today. His kingdom is advancing. i look back to where i have been and what God has taught me and shown me and wow. wow. i would never have expected to see God show up in ways that i have seen Him show Himself strong in the small town of Manhattan, KS. i know that if i had not been still, i would have never learned some of the most valuable lessons from life in my time in college. It was finally when i surrendered my will before the Lord - giving myself to Him COMPLETELY - anywhere You want me to be...that is where i will go and serve with my WHOLE heart. and if Manhattan is where i am - i will serve and reach out with a boldness in Christ that i would on the mission field. may my life be a reflection of You and Your power. God changed and softened my heart - totally transforming my perspective...it's a gradual process (even slow going sometimes) but SO WORTH it. i'm just an ordinary person serving an extraordinary God. God has shown me that it is not all about where i go and what i do that makes a difference - it's about where God is and what He is doing that makes the difference. i just want to show up where He is at. When i stopped struggling to push "my way" and let God do the leading...God started opening up doors left and right for me to serve in kingdom work across the state and across the world. Since that time i have served in inter-city Kansas City, inter-city Oklahoma City, numerous summer camps, and even served in Uganda, Africa overseas. God has allowed these opportunities.
God just wanted me to be still...He had something He wanted me to learn.
As i was praying for direction and "God's calling" for my life, a small voice spoke to me saying "be still, i have something i want you to learn." My initial reaction was - that was not God's voice. God wants to do great things through me. i can't be still and still be great! no, i'm sorry...i'm listening for God's voice.
so...i ignored these simple words and started looking into mission agencies, inter-city work, youth camps, anything that was out of the ordinary - anything i pretended i could see myself serving the Lord. i became confused and frustrated that things weren't working for me. Door after door closed. The harder i pushed, the more it became clear that God's hand was not in my efforts. Those words came back "be still, i have something i want you to learn." At this point, i knew God was speaking to me and i became angry. Angry that He had someone who was sooo willing to go anywhere in the world for Him and He would waste this opportunity and tell that girl that He wanted her to minister in the town and city she had spent her entire life in. It seemed like such a waste. He could send me to the remotest parts of the world where NO ONE wanted to go - to people that had never heard of the gospel (I'LL GO!), yet now my calling was Manhattan, KS? To me missions was not across the street.
i finally accepted, very grudged, that this was the next chapter in my life. i wasn't very happy or willing that "my calling" was here, but i knew better than to argue with God. In the spring of 2006 i applied to Kansas State University. i had no money for school and half heartily prayed that God would provide the money "if that was really what He wanted me to do" (secretly hoping that it wasn't). i checked my savings account and realized i had NOwhere enough money. -oh, this is going to be good. haha. watch God come through on this one, i joked. Not only did i have to pay for tuition, but then there was books, housing, and numerous other college "experience" expenses. and i wasn't going into debt.
It could not have been more clear in my mind that God touched His finger in my life at that exact time and i saw Him provide and workout every detail. When financial aid came in it paid for all of my tuition up to where i only had to pay $300 a semester. For high school graduation i received exactly $600. i received a book scholarship that paid for all of my books for both semesters. i was able to house with my parents which of course came with a free meal-plan. i was amazed how perfectly God provided everything i needed, yet i was unable to fully grasp the whole of it because i was still kind of pouting in my corner. God was at work and He was slowly changing my heart. i dived into the Ichthus fellowship at the beginning of the semester, joined a lifegroup, and Bible study, and accountability group - totally and fully immersed myself in the Christian community. And i stood back and watched God at work. i was challenged and stretched by John's teaching and allowed myself to be broken by the fragility of our lives and the desperate need for God in our lives. i was uplifted and encouraged and started to build friendships within my lifegroup and Bible study. Through worship and prayer on Thurs evening, God started to change me, building in me a greater knowledge of His presence and love in my life. God opened up doors for real ministry opportunities with the people i met first semester. But still, i was stubborn. i felt like i was cruising on auto pilot. i grew up in the church my whole life, so i knew how to act. When i realized that Manhattan was exactly where God had placed me for this service to campus students, it was like my enthusiasm for outreach had died. My dreams were crushed and i was face to face with a supernatural reality. i didn't give up on God, i gave up on myself. If God couldn't use me anywhere else but Manhattan, i thought my ministry insignificant. i was fighting all of this when i heard about Urbana. My first thought was "oh wouldn't that just be like God to send me on this awesome missions conference, change my heart, and give me back the passion and desire for furthering the kingdom of God." i had seen God provide perfect financially early that semester, so there was no doubt in my mind that He would provide the money for Urbana. i signed up in blind faith. Then i got scared - scared because i knew God was about to reach me and touch me and change me in a way - i was going to experience God in a way i had never before. Perhaps more intimate than i had ever dared to hope. And it scared me. i was sharing this with my sister when she said she had been saving some money out for an occasion like this (where someone heard God's calling but was unable to go because of a financial burden). That evening God supplied the money for Urbana.
So i went. God totally tore down any fear in my spirit and i left with an anticipation and eagerness (like a child) with great excitement for the days ahead. i knew what lied ahead for me was going to be challenging, stretching, and would push me further and farther than i had even gone before. But i was ready for it. Urbana exceeded my expectations. It was most definitely challenging and stretching. i learned patience as twenty-two thousand of us tried to eat lunch in downtown St. Louis. i learned to love aunconditionally as i shared a room with four sorority girls for the week. i learned about fellowship as i met with 500 students for Biblestudy over Ephesians every morning. i learned about connection and unity with God's children as i bowed my head in prayer with brothers and sisters in Christ - lifting up our brothers and sisters in Christ from around the world. i learned the majesty of worship as every ethnic group came together under the dome and lifted up our praise and worship to our heavenly Father (not just in English, but in Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, French...you name it). i learned the beauty of worship in kneeling, lifting up our hands, clapping, dancing, flags,...it was a glimpse into heaven. And it was beautiful. The teaching was incredible. Though i hardly remember what any of the speakers spoke on, i remember clearly what God spoke to me during my time at Urbana.
I came back to campus in the spring with a fire and excitement for the lost hearts and souls on campus. The k-state campus became my mission field. Over the last three years, it has been a joy, a challenge, and a blessing to be a small part of what God is doing here today. His kingdom is advancing. i look back to where i have been and what God has taught me and shown me and wow. wow. i would never have expected to see God show up in ways that i have seen Him show Himself strong in the small town of Manhattan, KS. i know that if i had not been still, i would have never learned some of the most valuable lessons from life in my time in college. It was finally when i surrendered my will before the Lord - giving myself to Him COMPLETELY - anywhere You want me to be...that is where i will go and serve with my WHOLE heart. and if Manhattan is where i am - i will serve and reach out with a boldness in Christ that i would on the mission field. may my life be a reflection of You and Your power. God changed and softened my heart - totally transforming my perspective...it's a gradual process (even slow going sometimes) but SO WORTH it. i'm just an ordinary person serving an extraordinary God. God has shown me that it is not all about where i go and what i do that makes a difference - it's about where God is and what He is doing that makes the difference. i just want to show up where He is at. When i stopped struggling to push "my way" and let God do the leading...God started opening up doors left and right for me to serve in kingdom work across the state and across the world. Since that time i have served in inter-city Kansas City, inter-city Oklahoma City, numerous summer camps, and even served in Uganda, Africa overseas. God has allowed these opportunities.
God just wanted me to be still...He had something He wanted me to learn.
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